1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize