you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
