You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
