I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
