I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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