I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
