Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
