I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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