i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the night ended with taco bell and tears
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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