She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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