i think my tv is drunk
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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