The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
