Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize