She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I will pee on everything he values.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
