I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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