I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
