First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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