The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize