Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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