Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
