6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
