I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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