Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize