seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
