theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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