There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
