I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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