The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Still dying that you shit outside
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
