Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
