I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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