Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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