oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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