someone owes me an orgasm
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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