ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
