The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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