i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
