She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
