I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
