Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
