Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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