the condom got lost in my hair
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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