You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize