I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
