You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
