Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
