Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
