Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
