He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
