College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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