If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
