if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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