We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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