he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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