She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am naked and annoyed.
All the doctor said was why
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize