im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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