You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
