Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
