also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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