Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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