i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
