She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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