Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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